“You’re failing.”
That voice in my head never shuts up.
- If I take a break, it whispers: “Selfish. Your kids need you.”
- If I push through exhaustion, it hisses: “You’re going to snap. Bad mom.”
- If I ask my 12-year-old to watch her siblings for 20 minutes, it roars: “Parentification! You’re traumatizing her!”
I am so tired of fighting myself.
Mom guilt sabotages. It turns every decision into a lose-lose battle. And worst of all? It lies.
Here’s how I’m learning to mute that voice, or at least lower the volume..
👊🏻 Why Mom Guilt Hits Neurodivergent Parents Harder
Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance—that mental tension when your values (e.g., “I want to be a present parent”) clash with your needs (e.g., “I need a break before I break down”).
On top of that, there’s societal conditioning: Moms are praised for sacrifice and shamed for self-prioritization. This sets us up for chronic guilt, even when we’re doing our best. Research shows that persistent guilt is linked to anxiety, low self-esteem, and burnout (Sutherland, 2010).
Studies show that neurodivergent parents experience:
- Higher rates of perfectionism (because we’ve been told we’re “too much” our whole lives)
- Stronger emotional reactivity (thanks, amygdala)
- Chronic fear of “messing up” our kids (source)
Translation: We don’t just worry — we catastrophize.
💥 Fighting the Final Boss: Reframing the Inner Critic
You can’t just delete the voice, but you can rewrite its script. Here’s how I’ve been learning to take back my power:
- Name the enemy– I call mine “The Manager.”
- Inner Critic: “You’re lazy for needing a break.”
- Truth: “I’m human. Rest makes me a better mom.”
- Science Says: Self-compassion reduces parental burnout (Neff, 2003).
- Ask: “Would I Say This to a Friend?”
- Guilt Trip: “Your oldest has to help too much.”
- Reality Check: *”Asking a 12-year-old to entertain siblings sometimes teaches responsibility, not trauma.”*
- Check the Evidence
- If my toddler is giggling, my tween still hugs me, and my newborn snuggles into my chest… maybe I am doing okay.
- Reframe “Selfish” as “Survival”
- Before: “I shouldn’t need alone time.”
- After: “If I don’t refuel, I’ll run on empty—and that helps no one.”
- Ban “Should” from Your Vocabulary
- ❌ “I should play more.”
- ❌ “I should work harder.”
- ✅ “I’m doing enough.”
🧩 You Are Not Alone in This
If you’re constantly negotiating with your inner critic, let me say this:
You’re not failing—you’re evolving.
You’re learning how to honor your limits while still loving your children deeply.
Some days, we win the boss fight.
Some days, we respawn with new tools.
But every day, we keep showing up—and that’s what really matters.
💬 Final Thought: Guilt Means You Care, But You Don’t Have to Live There
Mom guilt isn’t a measure of your failure—it’s proof of your commitment. But that guilt shouldn’t be in charge. You are.
Remember: bad parents wouldn’t spend time thinking if they are one.
So next time the inner critic tries to drag you into another battle, take a breath.
Pick up your coffee, or your journal, or your noise-canceling headphones.
And remind yourself:
Resting isn’t quitting. Needing space isn’t selfish. It’s strategy.
🧠 Reference:
Neff (2003). Self-Compassion.
Green et al. (2015). ND Parental Stress.
Sutherland, J. A. (2010). Mothering, guilt and shame. Sociology Compass, 4(5), 310–321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x
